hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
