he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize