Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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