You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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