Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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