You can't motorboat a personality
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
