my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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