I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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