Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
