She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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