Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
