I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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