Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
