I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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