I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
