there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
