Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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