I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
