i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
