GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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