My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So squirting runs in the family.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize