what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
