filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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