Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
