he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
