I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize