i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We are all done wearing pants today
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
