I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
