i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
