According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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