Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
