i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
