Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize