turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
