two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
