Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
