Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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