wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize