She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
