we made out on top of his cat.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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