My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
