Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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