My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
