Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
