my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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