I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
