I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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