I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
