just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
