I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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