it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
