I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
