I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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