Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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