Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
