I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
